High school, around 2016. I had a best friend named Rani. My classmate, Gilang, liked her. Gilang never gave up trying to get close to Rani, and he often asked me for help. Since I was good friends with both of them, I helped, even though Rani always said Gilang wasn’t her type.
When we graduated in 2019, I went to a regular university, Gilang went to a vocational program. We got busy with our own lives. No contact. But in 2020, he suddenly showed up again. He talked about his feelings for Rani, even though Rani already had a boyfriend. Slowly, Gilang started talking to me more instead. Chatting, calling. I didn’t really respond much because I was seeing someone else at the time. Until one day, he just stopped on his own.
In 2022, I was often posting snaps out of boredom. Gilang suddenly replied. We started talking again. Catching up. Sharing stories. We grew closer. And eventually… he confessed his feelings.
I hesitated. He was my former classmate. But Gilang had always been handsome, and this time he said he was serious. I gave in, and I said yes.
The beginning of our relationship was sweet. Three months that made me smile nonstop. We were in a long-distance relationship between Bandung and Jakarta, meeting once a month. We finally made our relationship public on Instagram. But… that’s when the problems began. Turns out, Gilang was hiding our snaps from some girls he used to talk to.
I found out from his own Instagram account — which he had given me access to on his own initiative. I was angry. Why hide it if there’s nothing to hide?
By our sixth month, he was caught going out with one of those girls he had hidden our snaps from. Her name was Tika. But nothing continued between them because Tika found out Gilang was already with me.
But the peak of my unease came from one name: Alya.
I remember seeing Alya in Gilang’s snaps back when he was doing his internship. A beautiful, graceful, multi-talented girl — like a hijab model straight out of a premium ad. Even as a woman, I was mesmerized. And from the way Gilang looked at her, I knew he liked her. A lot.
From then on, I started checking Alya’s IG from Gilang’s account. Alya was very active. Every time she posted a snap, Gilang would like it immediately. I got jealous. I told him I didn’t like it. But Gilang kept doing it. Again and again.
I once asked to break up. But Gilang convinced me otherwise. He said it was just a mistake. I forgave him.
A year into the relationship, Gilang started changing. He used to come home once a month; now, even three months would pass without seeing me. He always said it was because of work, no days off. I started overthinking. I even dreamt he cheated — and it turned out to be true.
He cheated with Tika, his coworker. She was completely different from Alya — bolder, sexier. But I felt disgusted when I found out what they did. I was furious. We broke up. But Gilang said he wanted to change, especially since Tika had resigned. And… I took him back. Because I still believed in him.
But our relationship had changed. I became possessive. Gilang became colder. I knew he was still curious about Alya. Even after I told him to block her, he would secretly unblock her again. Then check her profile. Block again. And repeat.
The final straw came when Alya went to Jakarta for work. Gilang found out from her snap. He invited her to meet at his workplace — a restaurant in a hotel. He even gave her a cake with “Happy Birthday” written on it, even though her birthday was still two days away.
I still remember that day. Gilang gave me a gift. A surprise. But I knew… it was just his way of covering his guilt.
I was furious. I asked to break up. But he stayed silent. No apology. And I, who loved him too much, forgave him again.
The following month, it happened again. Alya came to Jakarta. They didn’t meet, but he sent her food via a delivery driver. I became more certain — this wasn’t just a crush. It was an obsession.
I was confused. I ended up contacting Mira, their friend from the internship. And it turned out to be true — Gilang liked Alya a lot, but Alya never responded to him.
I felt weak. On one hand, Gilang was so good to me. I had met his family, and he had met mine. But whenever I brought up marriage, he would always avoid the topic. Maybe because… I wasn’t the one he really wanted.
Now, Gilang doesn’t try to win me back when I’m upset. If I’m silent, he’s even more silent. He sends mixed signals — sometimes caring, sometimes cold. But I still love him.
I know I deserve someone better. But my heart still can’t let go.
So I pray:
“If he’s not meant for me, please, God… give me the best way out. Don’t let me keep getting hurt.”
Now, whenever I find out Gilang is still checking on Alya, I don’t get mad anymore. I just stay quiet. Because I know I’ll never get an explanation or an apology.
I keep it all to myself. Because I’ve felt unheard too many times. Sometimes I wonder — why am I still holding on to someone who was never fully mine?
When I could walk away. I could start fresh. I could find someone genuine. Someone who wouldn’t make me cry alone in the middle of the night. But I can’t lie — I still love him. I still see his good side. But all of that… is just a memory now.
Now I’m tired. But I’m also afraid. Afraid of losing. Afraid of regret. Afraid of breaking even more. I’m stuck — between holding on… and letting go.
And the most painful part… isn’t Gilang. It’s me. Because I know the truth. But I still choose to stay. I keep thinking:
“If I’m patient, he’ll change.”
But the reality? He didn’t change. I did. I became someone who constantly pretended to be okay.
Now I just want to heal. Slowly.
And if one day I can finally let go… I want to be able to tell myself:
“Finally, you chose yourself.”
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
